As I sit in the hotel room in Jakarta grieving over my mum’s passing on today, I now know the pains of losing someone beloved like my mum whom we have had a special relationship. Not the kind that everyone knows about but silently in our hearts we hold a silent respect and love for each other.

I know my mum loved me a lot because she always looked forward to my homecoming to Penang and despite her age and failing health, she would always prevent me for eating outside just to eat the best food she would cook for me. She relished watching me when I ate her food which I always enjoyed. Her strong love for me when she was cooking triumphed over the pains in her great effort (and suffering) she had to undergo due to her illness, backaches and advanced age. She just wanted to make me smile over her delicious cooking and that was all she wanted to do for me.

I hold a high respect for mum for her high sense of responsibility of taking care of 7 children while having to operate a school canteen at the same time. It’s hard to imagine what a Herculean task it is doing this. Mums these days couldn’t do a fraction of what she did for us.  But mum soldiered on without complaint or asking for any praises from anyone. She just did it her way.

The wonderful thing about mum was that she respected, loved me and was very proud of me because I managed to get out from the throes of becoming a useless kid to be what I am today. If not from following mum as my role model, I could not have done it on my own. She was my biggest source of inspiration. I owe it to her for making me to be what I am today.

I know my mum doesn’t want me to be back for her funeral because she wants me to fulfill what I have to for my client in Jakarta although it exceedingly pains me to be alone here without saying the final goodbye for her.

But somehow she is talking to me silently, in fact even comforting me to take it easy with these words, ‘it’s ok, and I’m fine’ although I am crying as I am writing this blog as I want to dedicate this to her while she’s still lying  in the physical world before her funeral in 2 days’ time which I won’t be around to witness.

Mum, you rest in peace. I will always love you whatever it is.  Soon, I know I will be united with you in heaven. You wait for me, ok?

 

Now I know what having mental strength can also mean what I need to have. I always thought I had plenty of this, and I go round teaching and coaching others why we all should have this.

 With my Mum’s life hanging in the balance and the doctors predicting there’s little hope left for her is a very hard fact to accept and if she really has to go, it’s also a very hard reality to let go.

Losing or preparing to lose a loved one requires mental strength of a different kind. I used to regard mental strength as just determination, courage or discipline but it definitely covers more areas than this.

To accept and to let one is another kind of mental strength. Mum has been a most loving person to me and the family. Two years ago I paid tribute to her in this blog because I couldn’t find a better place to express more of my love and gratitude than telling the whole wide world what a great mum she is. My brother David called her, the ‘queen of all Mums’ and indeed she has always been just that.

What I need now is to find mental strength to accept that life can go either way for her  as she is now dependent helplessly on life support for the last 1 week  with both eye blind due to a rapid spread of infections that she had contacted while in hospital. I wanted life to be a little more kind to her in her last days at least but it looks like it’s not happening. The only consolation that I can tell myself is that ‘God works in mysterious ways’ so He probably has the best reason why Mum is put through such agony and pain.

Well, I got to reframe and look at the brighter side of things although it’s very difficult to do. I got to say goodbye to her at the hospital bed today as I have to go to Indonesia and other places for the next 10 days for professional work. I am not sure whether the kisses and hugs I gave her just now would be our last.

I’m very sad but I got to have the mental strength to be really strong to face up to what God wants her fate to be.

Please pray for her. Only with divine intervention can there be a miracle for her.  But whatever it is going to be, I leave her in the hands of God who will surely make the right call for her which she rightfully deserves.  I leave her fate to you, Lord; you know what’s best for her.

I want you to know, Mum, that we all love you for the love you have unconditionally and selflessly gave to us and me all through your life! I love you, Mum, once again!