PARENTAL LOVE DEFINED
Q: I have always loved my children although they are grown up now. However, of late, we are struggling with a love-hate relationship as we find it so difficult to understand one another.
As a loving father, I always want my children to do well, walk the right path, and all that. But they seem to have a mind of their own and they often want to do things that are completely the opposite of what I want. How can I get them to do what I think it’s best for them?
A: Let us first examine the real definition of love. According to the dictionary, love is the ‘ability and willingness to allow those you care for to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you’. So, my question to you is, to what extent does this definition fit your definition of love for your children?
Many parents insist their children follow their advice due to either their lack of self-love or the deprivations in their childhood. Be mindful that your children do not have to be a carbon copy of you to show their love for you. Making you happy at their expense is not realistic. If you are ever happy with this, then be careful that this can be short-term.
Give them the space to be what they want, as long as they are happy. Tell yourself they are getting their happiness because you have made it possible for them to make decisions on how they want to live their lives. So, do not impose your preferences on them. Reconcile your past if there are old wounds to heal. You will then feel less pressured to reinforce your values on others. Therefore, do not make your love for them conditional by making them toe your line.
POWERFUL QUESTIONS
- How does what you want fit into their value and belief system?
- How could you feel if someone else was imposing theirs on you?
- How can you allow them to grow in their uniqueness and individuality?
- How can you reconcile your past so that you will be just as happy to see them grow in the way they want?
GET IT OUT!
Q: My family members practice a lot of restraint when dealing with one another because we come from a conservative family led by a no-nonsense father. There are times we want to express ourselves, but for the sake of maintaining this strict ‘harmony’ in the family, we end up making one-line statements. In such an environment, we say little and try to tolerate one another, no matter how painful it is emotionally or physically. Is this a good thing?
A: The outcome of all this is you becoming a quiet introvert. The upside is that you grow in patience and tolerance. Indeed, not having to ‘rock the boat’ is a great way to avoid but not resolve conflict. The downside is there could be a ‘volcano’ beneath the tranquillity of the current environment. Many things are bottled up with no outlet at all. I am not too sure if anyone can be happy living with so much restraint.
Someone has to initiate a serious discussion on this to change the current rules of the house. You need one person to kick it off, and you may likely open a floodgate of expressions and views that have been long suppressed. Reset the house rules again. Start small like expressing thoughts and feelings loudly to one another. At a later stage when good results are showing, even practising to shout at one another to clear the air is healthy! It is really liberating!
POWERFUL QUESTIONS
- What kind of home environment do you want to have?
- What needs to happen to change this?
- What will it be like when this is changed?
- What is one small step you can take to start the process of liberating your home?
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