LET HER LIVE HER LIFE
Q: I have not made any headway in convincing my daughter of her future career. She is adamant in wanting to be a teacher but I have different views on this as a long-term career.
Being a teacher all my life, I simply know this is not the career for an ambitious person. I have told her everything about my life in this profession and how much I have regretted going into this. Despite this, she still insists this is what she wants. How can I convince her more effectively?
A: Many parents are like you, subtly forcing their children to take on careers that they feel are best for them. This is really about using ‘subtle force’ to impose your advice. It is also a form of manipulation to have it their way. If they succeed in ‘convincing’ their children, there may be initial happiness. But the truth is, it is only short-lived. They may be doing this to please their parents but end up bringing upon themselves the bitterness and resentment that may spoil their lives later. Parents, therefore, need to be fair to them. Just because they did not make it in a career, they should never assume others will end up the same way!
Never underestimate your children’s ability to make judgements and decisions even when they have simplistic views of the world. Understand and appreciate their uniqueness and their value system. The most important thing is to ensure what they want to fit into this. You cannot force a round peg into a square hole. The best thing you can do is to facilitate several sessions to ensure that she has objectively and intelligently thought it through and have considered and weighed all options.
POWERFUL QUESTIONS
- What is your daughter’s passion?
- What are her special strengths or talents?
- How can you guide her well to follow her heart and support her?
- What must you be aware of so as not to push your agenda too forcefully?
ASSERTIVENESS IS NEEDED TO TAME THE ‘TIGER’
Q: I’m 20 years old. My elder brother is a ‘control freak’. This relationship pattern has been with us since we were kids. He is very suspicious. He would not allow me to go on dates with girls because he feels I should be studying instead. He goes through a lot of trouble to check on me. He even monitors my Facebook to see if anything is amiss. He goes through my mobile phone messages too! This is driving me insane! I have to hide everything from him! Whenever I try to break free, he throws his tantrums, insisting that he is only trying to protect me. This makes me feel guilty, wondering if I am in the wrong. Does he really love me? Or is he trying to sabotage my life? How can I claim my independence without damaging the relationship? I do care for him, but I am starting to resent his behaviour.
A: You need to be very objective and truthful with yourself to make an accurate assessment of your brother’s actions. You are the best judge to decide whether his actions are justifiable. If your activities are not above board, then his actions are right, except that his approach may be wrong. However, if you are innocent of the things he suspects, then you have to deal with it tactfully but assertively. Try the soft approach first. Politely request more space from him, and name the areas you want freedom in. If this does not work, then tell him directly and assertively that he is interfering with your life and you want to be left alone. Even if he responds negatively, you hold your ground to tame this ‘tiger’ until you succeed!
POWERFUL QUESTIONS
- What are the things you want freedom in?
- How can you communicate this to him?
- What are you willing to compromise?
- How can you ensure that he respects your privacy and personal boundaries from now onwards?
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