Q: My 10-year-old daughter is in a co-education school. Not long ago, she told me that she is being bullied there. I have given her a lot of advice: report this to her teacher, stand up to the bully, and so forth. But the sad thing is all these have backfired on me! Instead of appreciating what I am trying to do for her, she is now angry with me, saying that I do not understand her. She even told me not to bother her about this matter anymore. I cannot understand why she is reacting this way. Why is she behaving like this towards me? Am I missing anything?
A: I think your daughter is smart enough to know what to do even if you had not advised her. In her current situation, what she needs most is your emotional support of what she is going through. Giving her advice at this point is therefore not what she wants, as it does not make her feel she is being cared for. Learn to understand and empathise with her situation, and refrain from being a ‘child expert’.
Listen with compassion to what she is trying to pour out to you. Whenever you can, do validate her feelings and emotions with caring words like “I can understand how you feel”, “Tell me more about it”, “Oh I see”, etc. When you do this, you bring yourself closer to her because you simply show you care instead of ‘playing God’ to her. Once this is achieved, you can then move in slowly and gently to help her get out of her situation.
POWERFUL QUESTIONS
• How can you show you care, without giving her any advice?
• What words and actions can you use to show her this?
• What will tell you that she is feeling supported?
• When this happens, what then is your next step?
LISTEN FIRST BEFORE YOU ADVISE
Q: I am a 52-year-old housewife. I have a 25-year-old daughter who recently broke off her engagement with her fiancé because she feels he has betrayed her trust and cheated on her. Since then, she has adopted a negative outlook towards almost everything: her job, her friends, her health, and so on. She is always in a lousy mood and gets angry very fast. No one can talk to her now. I have tried advising her that all is not lost, she still has a bright future, and assuring her that she will find an even better partner.
Unfortunately, she does not listen and like a broken record, she keeps repeating the good things she did for her ex-fiancé and how he cheated on her. Does she need psychological help? If not, then what?
A: For the moment, I do not think you should get psychological treatment for her. You may end up worse off as she may feel you are working against her. What she needs is a companion who understands her plight, not a lecturer spouting tips on what to do now.
Play the role of a companion who is with her on her current feelings. Listen to her even if her words make you uncomfortable, for instance, “I feel like killing myself.” If you cannot find any more comforting words for her, then just remain silent. Trust yourself that your integrity and values are still intact even though you are not trying to change her words. She wants to be heard and wants space for expression. So give her this platform. Wait for the right time when you know she has gotten over her pain and is now rational again. Only then you can start ‘putting her together’. But until then, show that you care by just listening.
POWERFUL QUESTIONS
• If you were your daughter, what do you think she wants at this present moment?
• How can you give her this?
• What kind of comfort can you provide her?
• How can you be patient for the right moment to advise her?
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