GETTING THE TRUTH OUT
Q: I have an odd employee who is an extreme loner. She does not mix around or speak much at meetings. What is even odder is, when asked for her views, she intentionally makes silly statements or uncalled-for remarks, which hurt or anger people. I have spoken to her about this many times but she has not changed. I would have removed her a long time ago if not for the fact that she is actually very good at her work. Why is she like this? What can we do to change her for the better?
A: Fundamentally, all of us seek some kind of stimulation and recognition from others. In stimulation, we seek some form of motivation; in recognition, we want to be noticed and rewarded in the form of praise or tangible rewards. Seen in this context, it is possible that this staff seems to feel deprived of these and is therefore withdrawn, angry, and frustrated. So, she seeks them by getting herself noticed in negative ways.
You may want to, firstly, work on making her feel comfortable so that she opens up and is frank about why she behaves in this manner. When you do this, be mindful that you are not defensive in trying to justify your actions. Instead, just listen reflectively to how you or others have made her that way. It will work very well if you ask for her suggestions in resolving this situation before offering your own. In this way, she will feel her thoughts count and you genuinely want her to feel better.
POWERFUL QUESTIONS
• How valuable is this staff to the organisation?
• How far would you go to help her?
• What can make her feel better?
• What are your actions that will support this?
GIVING IN WITHOUT GIVING UP
Q: I have been brought up to believe in delivering high standards and quality, whether in pursuing a goal, providing a service, or expecting something from others. Due to this, I consistently excel in almost everything I do, academically and professionally. Unfortunately, this brilliance is not accepted by my bosses and colleagues because they openly oppose me in whatever I am doing for the good of our organisation. Essentially, they want me to accept the quality of results which I refuse to. I find this very unacceptable. The frustrating thing is they are getting more people to side with them! What shall I do?
A: I am guided by a principle that “too much of anything is not healthy”. Constantly demanding and expecting high standards and quality in everything will make many people resentful, which is happening now. It is really not about the insistence on high standards and quality itself but how you insist on them. In your case, your uncompromising attitude may be blinding you to the need to display greater empathy and understanding for people, events, and circumstances around you. This happens when people like you are too focused and miss out on the bigger picture in life, which could be families, friends, health, and so on. Eventually, they end up being the loser!
Change the way you prescribe your views which paints others as imperfect but makes you perfect. You need to learn to live and let live by seeing the perfection in their imperfections. When you can do this, it will change the whole meaning of your experiences and lighten the pressure and burden of your responsibility which will make you less serious, more flexible, and open to seeking other ways instead of bulldozing your way through. So, widen your personal boundaries to accommodate more people, instead of staying in your tiny “perfect” bubble!
POWERFUL QUESTIONS
• What are the beliefs you hold strongly to?
• How are they serving you?
• What is a more positive way of perceiving the situation?
• What do you want to say to yourself?
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